24th May 1996

Today I woke up to find that a gale in the night had blown down my television antenna which meant that I did not have perfect reception for the recording of the early morning news. This triggered me to phone a company to come and repair it, however, all I got was their answering machine which was quite annoying. By this time there was only 10 minutes left until the beginning of the news. I tried to call them again but I still got their answering machine so I decided to go out on the roof and attempt a repair myself. Bearing in mind what happened last time that I went up on the roof I took the extra precaution of wearing my extra grip boots which will secure me with a safe grip all of the time.

I took my ladders out and set them at a perfect angle using my industrial size protractor which I then accidentally dropped in the pond accidentally but I still continued my task perfectly. This perfection continued until I had a moments lapse where I accidentally fell over by tool box. However I managed to regain my balance only to find that I had fallen down off the roof and that I was actually standing on my drive. I did not and still do not have any recollection of this event so I have decided to go through deep regression hypnosis to find out if the mysterious incident was my fault.

I had another appalling incident happen to me today as my car severely malfunctioned as when I was driving to school I noticed a small flame coming from under the bonnet but I continued my journey as the flame was utterly perfect and straight. However, this flame grew bigger and bigger until the whole front of the car was alight which caused the bonnet to open so I could not see the road in front of me and all I heard were a few crashes and car horns. I eventually came to a halt in a ditch which was full of appalling mud which wrecked my perfect garments.

As I needed to get to school in a hurry I decided to run taking a perfect line down the centre of the road. This gained endless abuse from passing drivers and from one in particular who I think is a maths teacher from my school.

I think that all of the morning's events deserve a through electrocution which I carried out three times as I was not satisfied with the first two.

Daily Report Episode 11

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