DAILY REPORT

25th June 1996

Today I woke in excruciating pain as my bed electrodes had released 200 volts more electricity than they should have done which makes them totally imperfect so I have done the necessary thing and burnt them in my new perfection destroying area which I founded only last night in a fit of anger at my coffee mug electrodes as they refused to function correctly.

After the distressing events of the early morning I was left in a total daze for most of the day which led me to a few mistakes which I regret dearly although I have most certainly punished myself for these totally appalling crimes. I committed a much worse offence in the form of when I was bleaching the interior of my car. I accidentally knocked the cigarette lighter out of its correct compartment which I did not notice at all until it had set light to the passenger seat which became very distressing as the flames were soon coming through the sunroof. I attempted to put out the flames to no avail and the flames soon swept through destroying the whole interior.

By the time I had put the flames out it was time to go to school, so not to risk my being late I attempted to start my car which became successful after a few attempts and I was able to drive off. However, half way through my journey my car began to cut out. I tried to restart it but was unsuccessful. However, I then realised that I was at the top of a hill and my brakes were not functioning properly. I began to plummet towards the bottom of the hill at a speed well over 50mph. Because it was unlikely that I was going to stop the car before the end of the hill I decided to sit back and close my eyes so that this whole event would not scare me too much. I had my eyes closed for only a short amount of time when I discovered that the car had come to a halt at the bottom of the hill. My car was actually in the back of a lorry which was full of MANURE. This disgusting substance smelt rather badly, however, it was not as bad as the smelly girl from my school.

However, I had to continue my journey to school so I began to push the car along the road which soon bought anger from several other drivers especially from one driver who I thought was a certain maths teacher from my school. Although I caused massive tailbacks I still arrived at school just on time in front of that Maths teacher who abused me as I pushed my car into a parking space.

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