Eine Habe My Diary

My gentle friend Thom contacted me this morning to say he was already on route to the university to use the facilities to complete some coursework. Obviously he has no chance of completing this by himself so my company was therefore essential (even though he would not admit it). Thom always impresses me by how tidy he is and how so well organised down to the last 15 minutes! Though I am 5 minutes.

After meeting up and to further improve our relationship I suggested that we might have lunch. He suggested MacDonalds in which I objected strongly censuring Thom which I felt a little bad about doing. I refuse to consume food in that filthy corporate machine. I began to detail my reasons why and some 30 minutes later I allowed him to be with me in the usual drinking establishment (since I know he likes this place) and suggested that place to meet first instead.

I arrived with the news of my cunning victory regarding the battle at the weekend to see that he was already with my associates. My announcement was very short lived thanks to Mr Watto, the arsehole. As soon as I finished the tale of my glorious victory the mockery of my hobby began! He spouted some convoluted rubbish about how when he had heard stories about the battle, he ran down to Wales, dressed up as the leader of the English invaders, confronted the Welsh army on his own, pulled down his trousers and pants, drew a target around his rigid dinkle and shouted “lads! try and get an arrow in this eye”. I simply could not believe what I was hearing! This stream of nonsense upset me on various levels. Where or how did he obtain such tripe?

The swine was mocking my glorious Welsh heritage and not only was this buffoon historically inaccurate he was taking the attention of my associates (and particularly Thom) away from me! Fortunately the food (a hideous pub meal) arrived very soon after and we separated from the others on our own small table sitting opposite each other leaving the others to their pathetic booze.

I was eating crude chips, uncharacteristic beans, somewhat shrivelled and visually tormented sausages, bruised bacon and a depraved mushroom.

Thom was eating almost the same though it looked much more elaborate in his presence. His chips were strong, his bacon curvy and his beans were deep red and bulging. He has an ability to enhance any meal. If Thom was a meal I think he would be Christmas dinner.

Thom was telling jokes, something he does often, which were not funny without modifications which I informed him of. Only then did I find them slightly funny and sure others would too. Why can some people just not tell jokes?

I could hear Watto and Knowsit it spouting some more rubbish about the upcoming Carnage - which I detest. Carnage is an event in which students essentially swarm around the nightclub area in the city and become inebriated (or smashed I believe they call it).

Surprisingly Thom announced his desire to attend Carnage since he "can have some fun" having recently split with his girlfriend. I felt that Watto and Knowsit would take advantage of him and I was not about to let such a pairing go unchallenged. I kindly enquired with Thom as to why they parted and his answer was that they both felt differently - these days. I sensed he was eager to experience new things.

Watto and Knowsit commented how they could not eat the amount Thom and I had just consumed. I announced that I had room for dessert and suggested to Thom that after completing his work I knew a place in which to purchase brilliant sugary goodies such as cakes, tarts and doughnuts with holes.

Watto wanted to know what this location was about and referred to this place as a cake shop!

Though concerned about the envy it may bring, I felt the need to iterate further the description of Woodwoods from being a mere 'cake shop' as described by the obtuse Mr Watto. It is a delicatessen and to elaborate on this further I produced a diagram of the layout of the establishment. At the top two large rounded counters to the left and right with a long narrow piece in the centre with a rounded end also with a hole for the entrance. I bulleted a list of available items.

Though we did not visit there today, I would love to take Thom up the delicatessen; though Watto and Knowsit may have to be left aside!

Episode 7

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