Eine Habe My Diary

It was my goal today to attend an examination and score a very high mark. This particular examination was of most critical importance since it was worth 50% of available marks towards a module.

For examinations, I have a strict procedure which I know increases the marks I am rewarded by approximately 50%. This is purely a matter of attire; a concept beyond that of 99% of students according to my observations.

After several examinations I have concluded that attire is more important than revision. This is especially so since I do not even require the act of revision to ensure success. The concept behind my appearance for exams is beyond the comprehension of students and indeed lecturers. I get many looks of puzzlement; they simply do not understand this cunning strategy of enormous magnitude the fear of which is why they weaken and score less marks. It is a fantastic form of psychological warfare I (alone) have invented.

So this morning, in order to feel and appear superior I dressed myself accordingly; my vintage brown striped suit with the stunning braces along with my best glasses, polished boots, cane and cap. I purchased this ensemble in a private sale for a very reasonable price after a substantial amount of haggling. The middle-aged man I bought it from told me I looked very fetching when I wore it for him in which I have to agree. I am undecided whether to order a matching cloak.

I lost some confidence during my journey to the examination because it began to rain a little. Whilst this tarnished my look very slightly it was acceptable not affecting the physical power of the outfit. I had some time to spare so took shelter underneath a tree.

However, this soon turned horribly wrong when waiting at traffic lights only for some swine to drive through a body of water on the floor at a totally unnecessary velocity which caused a wave of water through the air drenching most of my legs! It is not as if this prat did not see me either since he had been waiting at the lights!

Angry and little damp I believed the power of the outfit was still intact as the top half was still dry which will cause the rest of the students to weaken and earn fewer marks. As planned, I arrived as late as possible, that way everyone will already be seated allowing me to be seen by as many people as possible inflicting serious psychological damage thus amplifying my confidence.

The examination proceeded for 3 hours in which I naturally worked very well. The majority of questions were not challenging and I thought some were off-topic so I did not answer them since I did not see how they could have been relevant to the examination and noted this on the paper.

The examination concluded with the obligatory rush of people discussing where they have failed. Several people then questioned my outfit with only ‘Mr Watto’ supplying a compliment in the form of “suits you, sir” which obviously coming from this buffoon is not withstanding. At this point people behind me laughing relayed some shocking information. I had in fact been wearing a tarnished suit! I was devastated!

Some hideous, calculating, opportunistic bird had decided to excrete on me without me realising! No doubt as I took shelter from the rain.

I have now sat an examination with a tarnished outfit! It is now highly possible I will not receive superior marks because of my attire. This inferior life-form will have caused me to loose valuable marks. However, the casual observer, will not realise is that this is out of my control. They are too simple for that. I will be labelled as something truly ghastly like 'average student' or accused of not putting in the required effort in terms of my academic prowess when achieving a pass.

After several hours of reflection I am now content that when the marks are released it will prove that a bad outfit produces bad marks. I would rather prove a ground breaking point (from my own originality) than to simply yet again score a high mark in an examination. This would mean much more to me and indeed my class associates who are so desperately needing in high marks and I will allow them to use my technique.

I can cope with this since I have decided the examination was just not relevant.

Episode 11

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