Eine Habe My Diary

Today was the end of an era. Whilst I will continue with more advanced levels of education in my life, my class associates…. probably will not. The first of our final exams had passed with little remark since we had taken separate subjects - they floundered with methodologies whereas I battled with Java!~

We had planned to meet a few hours before the final exam and to eat in one of the local drinking establishments (pub). I happily agreed as I knew it was of substantially higher quality than what they are used to; unlike me of course. We rendezvoused at an establishment called 'Barrel of Hairrie Sack'. We had agreed (based on Marrion's suggestion) that we all be in suits. I could not help but feel we were indulging one of her boss and secretary sexual fantasies. Most of us looked magnificent and obviously my stunning exam attire was in operation. I had also donned on some Chinese herb invincibility oils.

I was asked yesterday if I wanted to revise collectively where I most likely would have been exploited but invented an emergency trumpet lesson so that I could not attend in response for their snubbing me over the final assignment. They created that situation and today they will have to deal with it.

We seated and Thom along with Knowsit began commenting on the difficulty of said module for examination on. Not wanting Thom distressed, I yet again prostituted my skills as a motivator. I merely stated that the exam will be seeking well formed opinions; the same thing I had done for the accompanying assignment. Leo on the other hand was his usual confident and annoying self attempting to not appear half as concerned recounting that his 'experience' would help him and referred to this greatly when talking to the others. He surely has no chance. Marrion on the other hand felt it necessary to reveal how much she fancied a MacDonald’s employee who was in this establishment. Typical.

Knowsit began talking to Thom about some of the items he has for sale on Ebay. More stolen goods no doubt. I commented on how I once saw some Nazi memorabilia on sale. My associates were surprisingly not interested in listening and debating this which meant I could not share my views about my homeland of Germany about how efficient the country was run at that time.

As with the venue overall, the quality of the meal was surprising. I ordered the steak and for it to be rare. I informed the young waiter it to be so rare that I still wanted to feel a pulse when I bit into it, and it was divine…It satiated several of my carnivorous desires though one or two others remained. The accompanying vegetables were saturated with colour and captivated exquisite tastes and joyfully releasing steam in my presence. The lashings of sauce flooded contentedly throughout all the crevices and ravines on the surface of this dish. I was delighted and left the young waiter a tip.

We headed to the site of our final exam where there is a small but steep hill outside the hall in which Thom and the others refer to as the 'travellator' as they have often poked fun at the disabled persons who try to ascend this rather steep gradient. I had stopped a brief moment to investigate another drinking establishment that had Pool tables in which I could yet again show my prowess on the way home potentially. My class associates were slightly ahead and reached the top of this hill. Leo said I had fallen behind after eating too much and could not walk up the hill! I was outraged and simulated unleashing Armageddon on him with some of my newest street fighting techniques only for Thom to accidentally move in the way! Had I actually been using the slightest force he would have been badly injured. I simulated simply because I did not want to disable ‘Watto’ before his exam. I wanted him to feel the pain of being academically impotent. This incidentally is the exam in which I was shunned for having superior knowledge on the assignments. I felt very satisfied knowing that he had not only hurt his own chances but those of the group. Perhaps they will not finally see that it is I who should be consulted and respected.

The exam lasted for 2 hours though I completed my statements (answers) utilising my unique slant which I have been told I have many times by tutors. There was a sense of relief and joy from most people whereas I was feeling, well, not concerned as when I apply for any job, there will no doubt be little need to talk. My academic prowess will be evident - pending results. And I commented (again) in my answers how these questions were not applicable to student life and they were just not relevant.

Leo proposed that we return to the university library and rid ourselves of "this outdated literature and that fucking deluded place that thinks it's a fucking bank". The others were in agreement, however, not wanting him to have such universal support I counter proposed heading to Woodwoods enroute stating they all deserved treats after having just worked so hard. They were easily convinced.

As we approached the bus station, one of my many cool friends, one of my best friends actually was also waiting. We had not spoken since his wedding where I had to take over his speech for the good of the crowd as I found him to be sentimental and unfocused. He was somewhat shocked to see me and I described how I had just destroyed another exam – a figment of speech to show it was easy.

We talked about recent experiences (catching up) but then the horror. He revealed a publication and in earshot of my university associates he said, "I guess you have seen this? I thought your mom only did books. Have you seen this pamphlet? It's good work. Does she do others?". My associates were then immediately interested as I had stressed the skills of my mother, the writer for months but obviously have produced nothing for them to read. The secret was then known as my friend explained further that it was my mother who had produced this piece of work describing the town we were standing in! I had previously came into contact with this literature at the function at the town hall. Although caught off guard, I was able to successfully defended my mothers, the writers skills, honour and integrity. I described how this was merely extra work in addition to her groundbreaking novel as she had been headhunted by the local council.

As promised (now most eager) I lead them to Woodwoods where I was confident that the quality of food will eliminate their memories of the last few minutes and more importantly this literature by my mother, the writer.

During the journey I planned to order a gingerbread man which I fully intend to torture horribly when I get home by dropping it in boiling water pretending it is Leo! Knowsit is not far behind to receive similar treatment! I may just break him up piece by piece! However, as we approached it was clear that something was very very wrong.

I dashed to the scene for immediate inspection. I could not believe the visuals that my eyes and brain were processing. To my horror the shop had been mostly destroyed as a badly damaged Vauxhall Nova, white, with a performance exhaust and cheap alloys sat inside the shop! It had apparently been travelling at some speed before it materialised into the front section of the delicatessen thus destroying it. Now my associates will never be able to sample the joy that I have had from their divine products and moreover neither will I, nor will my relationships with the staff develop further. It was a sanctuary for me. Why did this have to happen?

Two police officers were standing guard and I demanded to know if they had any leads. Their answers were unsatisfactory and I told them that their investigation is clearly flawed and offered some pointers in order to improve it. I received a stern warning, however, this has only spurred me further into investigating this heinous crime myself and uncover who had destroyed my most special place.

The others preceded on to the university whereas I, totally discombobulated (that means confused) and deprived went home. I had suspicions about each of the despicable denizens of my area that boarded the bus and monitored their conversations for clues.

Since there was little need to study, and feeling depressed I had to masturbate but only in order to relieve stress the events of the day had caused.

That night I tossed and turned in my sleep and remember repeating "no, no, no" many times as dreamt about the harrowing destruction of Woodwoods!

Episode 21

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